karyne: what’s for lunch today?
karyne: that’s what i had for breakfast.
karyne: what’s for lunch today?
karyne: that’s what i had for breakfast.
once upon a time, there was this mess called lindsay lohan. and nobody liked her at all except for me. and she kept doing the dumbest things, and i didn’t even care, because she was lindsay and i was in love.
then this happened:
WHOA: Lindsay Lohan hit an 18-wheeler with her Porsche, hospitalized in LA! Sources tell TMZ she seems OK, however.
— BuzzFeed (@BuzzFeed) June 8, 2012
and it made me sigh. why is she driving a porsche? why is she hitting things?
call me, lindz. i’ll be your DD.
i think i just needed a break — i got behind in the recapping department, but now i’m all caught up and i think i’m ready to blog about this shit show again. whew. i feel better.
i’ll just start right in with last week’s episode (oops, look, i’m already behind), but some notable things from the last three episodes that i think need to be mentioned:
1. the bartender that anjelica huston is banging deciding to invest in her show, not by going to the bank and drawing up a contract, but by reaching under his janky bar and retrieving a gigantic wad of money. like, it was basically in a big canvas bag with a dollar sign on it, like bugs bunny would have.
2. uma thurman’s smoothies.
3. uma thurman.
ok, and now onto last week’s episode…
remember that one episode when katharine mcphee sang that snow patrol song about how you should light up, light up as if you had the choice? and she sang it up to the ceiling? well that happened. and uma loved her and now they’re basically in a lesbian relationship. because you know what “smash” was missing? lesbians.
you know what else it was missing? a bollywood number. because that happened, too. BOLLY. WOOD. NUMBER.
this episode opens with them singing “another openin’, another show.” subtlety is this show’s forte. they’re opening the show in boston. finally. get this shit on the road.
requisite shot of katharine mcphee standing in the middle of grand central station, with the camera spinning around her. i’m surprised she’s not in times square, because that’s where she always likes to hang out.
another requisite shot of all the cast mates meeting in the middle of grand central, and them running and skipping and jumping toward the train.
and finally, the requisite shot of mcphee standing on the huge boston stage, looking around at all the lights with a “omg i can’t believe i made it!” look in her eye. and there’s the ghost light, who’s thinking “i can’t believe i have to sit through this…”
i can barely type this for all of the barf that is piling up around me.
sleazebag just told the blonde he loves her. and katharine mcphee and perfect boyfriend are having relationship issues. maybe because you’re always hanging out with that hot co-worker, perfect boyfriend!
oh looky looky. the guy they got to replace that roger guy from “rent” quit at the last minute, so guess who they’re calling to play joe dimaggio…. that roger guy from “rent”!!! now debra messing can write ANOTHER song about how they kissed. this time she should leave the song in her husband’s lunchbox.
so last time, debra messing and her husband, shrek, decided to work things out. the best way to work it out is for him to show her how to make pancakes while they’re both in their robes. maybe she’ll finally learn how to make pancakes without getting bisquick all over the fucking place. let me guess: broody asshole son is going to walk in on them being cute and pancakey and oops, there he is, with some sarcastic comment about how cute they’re being.
way to break up the pancake party, gay face. “stop getting bisquick everywhere, debra messing; that roger guy from ‘rent’ is coming back!”
oh nope, he didn’t tell her so now anjelica huston’s severe bangs have to.
uh-oh. foreshadowing. uma is freaking out that nobody told her that her “leading man” has left, and sleazebag is comforting her, which means they are about to have sex with each other probably. i give them 20 minutes before they do.
lurky just caught the blonde spying outside of uma’s dressing room, and he goes “what’re you doing? that’s usually my thing.” wow. how meta.
hot co-worker is visiting perfect boyfriend at home, while mcphee is out of town. great. don’t do it, perfect boyfriend. remember you had the bollywood number last week? don’t let that be in vain!
so the bangs just told debra messing about that roger guy from “rent” coming back, and debra messing just yelled “no” 100 times, like it matters.
well, perfect boyfriend is a perfect cheater. oh wait, he’s perfect after all and stopped it. and then apologized 100 times. he apologized that he let her sit 1 inch from him on the couch and seduce him. jesus.
uma thurman just shuffled onstage dressed like marilyn? she looks like a crazy person. and sang “happy birthday” to sleazebag and now they’re bringing out a cake. and everyone is clapping and the blonde looks like someone put a gun to hear head to clap. look, blonde, don’t clap if you don’t want to clap.
so uma thurman’s boobs need top billing for this episode because jesus christ, they practically have their own dressing room. i mean, god.
in other news, we’re watching a mini scene from “bombshell” and it literally was this girl running onstage and shouting “who is that?” like she’s fucking little sally from “urinetown.” except for real. like, that was her for real acting. all big and campy and over the top. are they kidding? these are broadway actors? and the guy next to her goes “they call her marilyn monroe” and does his hand in a big rainbow like seeing her name in lights. THIS is broadway?? i mean, i guess they were doing it on purpose because the script is on purpose terrible because this is an added scene so uma thurman and her boobs could make a quick change. but like, at least try not to make it sound like shit.
perfect boyfriend shows up at tech to surprise mcphee with flowers, and she’s like “hi, i’m working, see you at the room at 8” and he’s like “i can’t watch?” no, dummy, go back to the room and think about how you’re a cheater mccheaterman.
if that roger guy from “rent” comes back, debra messing is quitting. wow, debra messing. guess you aren’t going to write a song titled “that roger guy’s ripped-sleeved flannels made me ruin my marriage… twice.” too bad.
it’s pretty gross that anjelica huston and money bags bartender are so smoochy smoochy all the time. he’s so grunty. stop grunting, bartender. i can barely hear you.
oh so another obvious thing that happened: gay face and self-hating gay chorus guy are now in a relationship i guess. who knows. anyway, gay face is meeting self-hater’s family. and look, the family loves gay face.
what time is it? yup. it’s time for sleazebag and uma to have sex.
so the blonde knows that sleazebag and uma are having sex, because she and lurky just ran up the stairs all frantic looking for him and she could hear giggling and laughing through the door. DISGUSTING, uma. learn to use some DISCRETION.
perfect boyfriend and mcphee are at dinner and he’s nervous and twitchy and whatever and jesus, perfect, don’t tell her you barely kissed that hottie on your couch. it’s not even worth it. oh god, he just proposed. her answer is “i’m in tech.” and like, really? they live together and this is the first time they’ve ever talked about marriage? like, this is some big shocker for her?
is that true? does that happen? are people ever really *surprised* when someone pops the question? i mean, clearly they can be surprised by the way it was popped, and the timing and whatever, but if there is any doubt that the girl (or boy) you are about to ask marry you will say yes, then maybe you shouldn’t ask. just a thought.
so anyway, she says she’s in tech and is under a lot of pressure, and then gets up from the table. really? TECH is preventing you from saying yes to this dude you’re living with? way to juggle it all, iowa.
this whole big scene happened between gay face and self-hater and i don’t even care anymore about them, they are so cheesy. go watch a basketball game, self-hater. go scream about the celtics or something.
mcphee gets back to the hotel room and all the cast members are having a hotel room party and she’s like “oh, you’re having a party?” yes, iowa, a party is a party. and she’s like “i just want to talk…” and then she enters the party and then that one guy, the guy who’s always dancing, the ensemble dancing guy, he’s like “I KNOW. WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A SING-OFF.” great. fucking. fucking. party. i wish i was invited.
so now the blonde and mcphee have to sing off against each other. this is not fun. how is this a fun party? the only reason they could say “sing off,” by the way, is because this show is on NBC. if it were on fox, they would’ve said “let’s have an american idol competition!” stupid “smash.”
ugh, this is so gross. the blonde is all drunk and sad because sleaze is sleeping with uma and she thinks mcphee knows, since they’re lesbians together. and then she just sits on the bed and drunkenly sings and of course it’s awesome, but like, way to just shove a song in the middle of a whatever scene. and everyone is watching her and like nodding their heads.
jeez, this song will not end. she’s seriously been singing this song for 2 hours. what a bummer, remind me never to invite her to a party.
so perfect boyfriend walks in during the sing off and then they run off together yelling at each other and in a moment of pure awkward drama, he yells that he was with hot co-worker. and then she storms off, of course, because gross. he was like “i came THIS close to sleeping with her, but in that moment i was like ‘i only want to be with mcphee!'” um, thanks? thanks, perfect? like, what kind of a statement is that.
anyway, she storms off and has the best line of the night: “i canNOT decide to get married during TECH… particularly to someone who is CHEATING ON ME.” really? i thought you already made the decision and the answer was “no”? and like, who says “decide to get married during tech”? i get it, you’re stressed out, but jesus christ, iowa, take a xanax. go borrow one from the blonde.
shrek and asshole son have decided that debra messing should go to boston, and now it’s like a family vacation. great. road trip.
perfect boyfriend is at the bar drinking shots and the blonde sidles up to him and he buys her a drink and now they understand who each other is and gross, now are THEY going to sleep with each other? i hate this show.
thank god it’s over. until next time. scenes from next week tell me that SOMEONE TRIES TO POISON SOMEONE ELSE. god, i hope shrek tries to poison perfect. or maybe lurky poisons himself. or the ghost light poisons anjelica huston’s bangs. maybe i’ll just poison all of them.
ugh, hi sorry. it’s been 3 weeks. i know, i’m behind. but so much has happened! i went on vacation to boston and new york. i got ENGAGED. and i just finished my first insanity workout workout. so my heart is happy and my ass muscles hurt. i guess things could be worse.
so i’m watching the “smash” episode from three weeks ago and i just keep writing “what is this shit?” and the blonde just said that katharine mcphee is a “usurper” and i think i need to hang up my pen and sit this one out. if i get inspired to write about later episodes, i guess i can do that. i mean, who even cares.
in other news, i’m engaged. isn’t that so weird? here’s my whole trip in 3.5 minutes:
i asked her in a photo booth, so we could capture the moment. i was so nervous and awkward and there’s a line going through the pictures, which is hilarious, because of course that happened. like why would the pictures come out flawless with both of us photogenic and wonderful? it’s perfect.
the title of this episode is “hell on earth.” it’s like “smash” can read my BRAIN.
katharine mcphee opens the show with “well i just can’t sit around and wait for ‘marilyn’ to happen,” so she’s going back to the diner to pick up some shifts. way to take your head out of your ass. why don’t you go on an audition? and then she tries on sunglasses for her boyfriend, so obviously the sunglasses are going to be a major plot point later. this show. sometimes this show. why is this episode called “hell on earth”? it should be called “sunglasses sunglasses.”
debra messing’s husband just asked where the adoption papers are. i can’t believe they’re still trying to follow that fucking storyline. anyway, she yells “by the bed!” which you know is just setting up when he finds her diary or whatever it is that’s going to tip him off that she slept with that roger guy from “rent.” a blonde hair? a torn-sleeved flannel?
guess who’s a gay republican! the gay musical writer’s gay lawyer boyfriend! surprise!
there it was. husband found some sheet music under the adoption papers. then he looked at it like it was something important. omg, did she write a love song for that roger guy from “rent”? is it a bruno mars song? i’m so intrigued.
in other news, the blonde is addicted to: steroids, ambien, klonopin, and some other things. she whips out eight prescription bottles from her purse. and straight-acting self-hating gay chorus member is like “be careful.” what a great friend. i’m sure she’ll stay off the pipe now!
anjelica huston is now suddenly obsessed with the show not being called “marilyn: the musical!” what the fuck are they going to call it? “monroe! the musical! based on marilyn! the musical!” now that’s how you sell tickets.
everything is falling apart. even anjelica huston’s severe fringe is like “i’m sad.”
the blonde runs into an audition all late. she says she was “stuck in the subway,” but everyone knows she was snorting ambien while shooting up steroids. i see through your lies, blonde.
and look who else is at this audition: katharine mcphee. it’s like nobody else exists on broadway except for these two. they literally run into each other and BOTH drop their sunglasses. and the camera shows them picking up the sunglasses and obviously they picked up the wrong sunglasses. fuck this show, man.
katharine mcphee just got an “orange juice commercial.” the cliche just gave birth to cliche twins.
the show that the blonde was in before she turned into marilyn monroe is called “heaven on earth,” so now she’s in that, walking down the steps like “beauty school dropout” singing dumb lyrics and looking bored and cracked out. let me guess, she’s going to fall down the stairs? there’s no reason to have stairs unless she’s going to fall down them in a drug frenzy. and holy fucking shit is that norbert leo butz?? playing GOD?
oh my god, is that james monroe iglehart, too?? it’s like “smash” is the mafia and all these great people “owe it a favor.” like, what other explanation is there for this?
ugh, whew. the blonde didn’t fall. i’d kill her if she fell and somehow hurt norbert leo butz.
oh there’s lurker with his guy who hacks computers, getting a client list or some shit. one of the thousand storylines this week is that they’re trying to find “a star” to fill the role of marilyn. big deal.
debra messing comes home to her husband playing the piano and you’re never going to fucking believe this. he’s singing the lyrics “tonight my thoughts were all of you, but no one else could know.” i mean, he found that song 12 hours ago. has he just been sitting at the piano for the last 12 hours?
in any case, SHE WROTE A SONG ABOUT HER AFFAIR AND LEFT IT BY THE SIDE OF THE BED. A SONG. AND THEN SHE LEFT IT.
i am DYING. DYING. I’M DEAD.
so then they have the requisite big confrontation. and the script is actually ok at this point. i guess “smash” knows how to do big emotional confrontations better than anything, which isn’t saying much.
she starts saying all the cliches (“it’s over”; “it didn’t mean anything”) and thank god her husband is like, ugh, i don’t even want to hear it. and he guesses that it’s that roger guy from “rent,” because he saw how they were acting at the workshop. DUH, debra messing. they were basically having sex on the sex couch right in front of her husband’s face!
there’s katharine mcphee being a bumbling fool at the orange juice commercial. they’re like “CGI” and “HIT YOUR MARK” and she’s like “do i turn this way? wait, let me” and aww, poor iowa. doesn’t understand the universe.
holy shit, the husband is meeting that roger guy from “rent” outside the theater! another confrontation! roger from “rent” is like “it was over a long time ago, it should never have started up again” and the husband didn’t know that they had been together BEFORE the sex couch happened. he thinks sex couch was the first time. and then he punches roger from “rent.” punch him again for me, husband! for singing “grenade” that one time!
lurker is meeting with someone’s agent to get the someone into marilyn. he’s lurking lurkily being a lurker. i mean, you should’ve seen his face when sleazebag asked him if he’s a producer now? he’s like, duh. i’m the producer’s assistant. that means i’m basically a producer. that’s how his brain works.
the blonde just said, about katharine mcphee, “she just walks into this city with that midwestern moon face.” i’m dying. “midwestern moon face!” then she snapped at one of her friends, and then storms out. go take a klonopin, blonde! go take an ambien!
katharine mcphee just realized she has the wrong sunglasses. kill me. and now the blonde realized it, too. threw them in the garbage. and ran to her drugs. AND THEN LOOKED AT HERSELF IN THE MIRROR. god this show loves looking at itself in the mirror.
this big explosion happened between sleazebag and anjelica huston, and it all boiled down to him agreeing to stay with the production.
cut to the blonde in her dressing room fumbling around for her drugs while looking in the mirror that has a picture of marilyn monroe stuck to it. jesus christ, “smash.” i GET it. she’s turning into marilyn! i get it!
UGH. lurky is not only a lurker, but he is now seducing the agent of the “star” he wants to prove himself with. so he’s a bisexual lurky lurker. please.
the stage manager just ran to the dressing room to get the blonde because she’s in the next scene! omg! and she’s on the floor. did she just snort the steroids? what is happening? where is norbert leo butz?? is she going to fall on him? i hate this.
so the blonde finally gets her shit together for a minute and laughs her way onto the stage and starts wobbling down the stairs, about to fall. she can’t stop giggling and oh god. there’s norbert. save yourself, norbert!
so katharine mcphee decided that right now was the PERFECT FUCKING TIME to return the blonde’s sunglasses. so she goes to the theater, and is of course about to witness the blonde fucking up her entire life. she sees someone on the side of the stage and he’s like “oh, just give the sunglasses to the assistant stage manager.” um, hello? this is in the middle of a show. doesn’t the ASM have better things to do? like, cut the spotlight on the drugged out blonde who’s about to fall over? also, do they just let random people go backstage during a show? this is fucking ridiculous.
so katharine mcphee is standing on the side of the stage, and is like, squinting her eyes looking at the blonde, being concerned, because she obviously knows something is up. because hi, EVERYONE knows now that something is up. the blonde is going crazy. don’t pretend like you know just because you KNOW her, katharine mcphee.
and down the blonde goes. only it wasn’t down the stairs. my bad. and norbert leo butz just yelled at her to get off the freakin stage! you tell her, norbert!
and now i can’t type for a minute because there is a commercial for 3D “titanic.” i won’t even tell you how many times i saw that in theaters the first time. GOD i love that movie.
and we’re back. there’s the blonde running down 42nd street or whatever wearing her costume. is this real life? and katharine mcphee is chasing after her being like “are you ok??” and now they’re having a big to-do in the middle of the street, and the blonde is dressed like an angel. and she just keeps yelling at katharine mcphee about being weak and lame and not wanting it enough, and mcphee is like, “whatever, you got to be marilyn. stop bitching. and the only reason i didn’t is because i didn’t sleep with sleazebag, but it wasn’t because he didn’t ask. you weren’t the first choice.”
she said it just like that. like she was a robot, reading it off my computer screen. like, i get more emotional choosing salad dressing than she did doing that line reading.
oh p.s., debra messing’s husband is leaving.
the gay musical writer is being called away to go find the blonde, and his gay republican boyfriend is like, why do you have to go? um, she’s his friend? why doesn’t he know that.
the blonde is STILL in her costume! she’s at the liquor store!! she wants to borrow money from katharine mcphee to buy vodka! and mcphee gives it to her. hahaha.
oh lord, now the blonde and mcphee are both drunk, walking down the street, best buddies, drinking vodka out of a paper bag. saying the stupid line from the orange juice commercial.
and then they run into a street performer and they’re still drunk and katharine mcphee’s autotuned voice starts singing about how “life’s too short to something something” and it’s that “cheers” song by rihanna.
it’s times like these when i wish lurky were here. like lurking over them in one of the times square ads. like he’s in that big coke bottle ad. where are you, lurky?
the street performer is just like, smiling and playing piano and is like “are you going to give me a sip of that vodka or what?” and it’s so stupid. are they going to sing the entire song?
yes. yes they are. the answer is yes.
so they just shut down times square singing that stupid song all drunk and stupid. the blonde is STILL in her angel costume.
cut to commercial.
and then cut to them doing that cliche thing that tv shows do. where they walk into the apartment later, STILL singing that song. all drunk and mumbly. does that ever actually happen? do you ever sing a song earlier in the evening because you’re drunk, and then are STILL singing it later when you get home, even more drunk? what?
then this conversation happened:
gay writer: i haven’t been up all night since i camped out for “rent” tickets in 1996.
self-hating chorus guy: i haven’t been up all night since the bruins won the stanley cup!
remember? that guy loves sports? well, you remember now.
anjelica huston’s bangs just told lurky that he can’t be co-producer because more goes into it than just casting. god, finally someone told lurky off.
debra messing just met with that roger guy from “rent” and she’s like thanks for meeting me, and then literally said nothing. she said that their affair blew up her life, like a bombshell. who fucking says bombshell? he’s like “i’m sorry” and she’s like “don’t apologize. it was my fault, too.” and then she walks away. what the fuck. what was the point of saying that? he was only apologizing to be polite.
oh look. what’s the new name of “marilyn: the musical!”? it’s now called “bombshell.”
she should call the blonde and ask for some ambien, so she can sleep tonight.
OMG UMA THURMAN. that’s the star they got. UMA. run away, uma thurman. you don’t even want to start getting involved with this bullshit. it’s already too late for norbert leo butz. you still have time.
i need to stop reading the descriptions of these “smash” episodes because they just make me want to die.
remember last week, when bernadette peters stole my heart and made me love everything? it turns out the brainwashing only lasted for that one episode. kinda. oh god, what is happening to me?
this week’s episode of “smash” opens with everyone freaking out about how nobody is getting or giving any feedback about the workshop. remember? there was a workshop?
then debra messing and her husband decide to play guitar hero. oh my god, no, wait, it’s worse. the husband is. he’s going to sing to her that bob marley song about how everything is going to be all right. it’s like the writers of “smash” were like, “you know who we’re underusing??? the husband! he’s a huge broadway star and we haven’t used him at all! quick! think of something ridiculous and horrible for him to do!!”
and then guitar hero happened.
lurky and anjelica huston are now bffs and it’s so gross. he just shows up all the time, unannounced. i mean, knowing him, he was probably hiding under her desk, but still. it’s so weird.
anjelica huston’s daughter shows up and it’s that grace gummer girl. you know, meryl streep’s kid? yeah that one.
so she bursts in and lurky is like “can i help you?” and she says “mom?” and smiles all stupid. and anjelica huston smiles all stupid, too, because they’re all in on the joke about how cliche that is. everyone in the universe is in on that joke except for the writers of this show.
sleazy director is meeting for lunch with katharine mcphee and is like “new direction, new song, we need you to sing it, blah blah.”
i mean, is that how the world works? it’s all backstabby and rude? nobody can just go up to the blonde and be like “look, it’s not working out. see you in another show!” and then she goes out on more auditions and like, lives her life. instead they need to call katharine mcphee for secret meetings and tell her about how she’s stepping into the role? it’s so WEIRD.
debra messing is meeting up with that roger guy from “rent” and they’re having the “i’m fired. i know. if i weren’t fired i’d quit” talk. and his family is just right over there, and you can see debra messing being all jealous sad and like, whatever, debra messing. this is for the best and you did this to yourself.
you know she’s going to pull that whole “i made a mistake, we should have an affair” thing. or be all distracted forever after or whatever stupid ladies who do this do afterwards.
remember how backstabby katharine mcphee’s meeting with sleazebag was? it gets worse: even the show’s writers don’t know. katharine mcphee is just supposed to show up and sing a new song that SOMEONE ELSE wrote for this show.
does that happen?? “hello, broadway? hi, it’s poor, jaded karyne. please tell me this doesn’t happen.”
there’s this whole other storyline happening with perfect boyfriend and his hot journalist friend, but it’s so convoluted and hard to follow and it has to do with more backstabby shit and i just don’t even have the energy. like, all the energy in the world doesn’t have the energy.
oh my god, by the way, anjelica huston’s daughter was just out in the middle of india. that’s where she’s been this whole time, in the middle of india.
and you know where megan hilty has been? at a dance class. going crazy at the gym. yup. “smash” went there. they’re setting her up for some heavy drug-addicted, eating disorder shit.
sleazebag is wooing katharine mcphee and takes her to some whatever location to “work on staging” or some shit, who even knows anymore. and the fucking guy from the band one republic is there and they can’t just let it be, katharine mcphee has to actually say something like “i love one republic.” what the fuck.
and the one republic guy is like “i heard your demo, you’re great” and this is just one big ass-kissing name-dropping session and it makes me feel so dirty.
so the song that katharine mcphee is practicing for the new direction of “marilyn: the musical!” is basically like they’re at a fucking rave, and it makes no sense. at all. none.
anjelica huston and the daughter and the ex-husband are fighting about money and whatever and he put $3 million into the daughter’s trust, and she’s like “give it to mom” and it’s so silly. and then the camera cuts to the door and GUESS WHOSE SHADOW WE SEE!!!!
LURKY! and then the daughter runs up and is like “can i help you?” and the daughter slams the door in his face and then the phone rings and i just cannot handle lurky. i can’t handle him. he’s now turned into a joke. a lurking lurky lurker joke.
want to know what’s happening now? no? i don’t blame you but i’ll tell you anyway: all the blonde and all the ensemble people (including self-hating gay chorus dancer) are at a bowling alley and then start to have a random dance party. at the bowling alley.
you know what i do at a bowling alley? i order a pitcher of beer and try to find a ball that fits my tiny hands.
they’re actually dancing down one of the lanes. you can get kicked out for that!!!
ps. they did this already in “grease 2.” at least that had the decency of having michelle pfeiffer in it.
so perfect boyfriend is having some work drama. i think it might be something racist against him, but who the fuck knows anymore.
the blonde just walked out of a building after doing pilates or bikram or whatever sweaty endeavor she’s into, and lurky is there and now he’s telling her about how sleazebag is into something and she’s like what do you mean and he’s like “i don’t know. something to do with KATHARINE MCPHEE, though” and like if this tv show had a soundtrack it’d be like “DUN DUN dunnnnn.”
ew, lurky is in bed with his girlfriend and i was just reminded that he’s straight and it’s so stupid and he’s like “i want to be a producer” and gross girlfriend is like “what do producers do?” and he’s like “i’m trying to figure that out.”
so there’s lurky’s storyline: he’s a big lurky lurkerson because he’s trying to steal everyone’s job. nice one, “smash.”
AUGH!!!! perfect boyfriend had the hot journalist and some other people over to do something, who knows, and journalist hugged him in some whatever celebratory manner and guess who walks in just then?
no, not lurky. katharine mcphee! of course! keep the cliches rolling, “smash.” keep ’em coming.
ew, and then the grossest perfect boyfriend/katharine mcphee makeout moment i’ve ever seen. she’s like “i had to sing that song ‘touch me’ today.” and he’s like “did anyone take you up on it?” and she goes “no” and then he goes “what was that song again?” um, hi, are you losing your fucking mind? she just said it’s called “touch me.” and then she speaks the lyrics and then i barfed so much. so so much. so much barf.
so now everyone is on the big secret that katharine mcphee and the sleazebag have been working on. every time the camera pans to the side, i know lurky is there, and lo and behold, the camera pans to the side and there’s lurky, with the blonde.
this is the big secret: “marilyn: the musical!” as though one republic wrote it, starring katharine mcphee. could you die?
it’s like taking “sound of music” and throwing glow sticks and fucking ecstasy pills in it, and all the von trap children are dressed like club kids from the ’90s. what are they DOING? how is this a GOOD IDEA?
there’s a bed. (the sex couch is like “hey, i’ve been replaced!”) there are shadows and lights. there are these lyrics: “baby turn me on, come on be my marlon brando.” like. what? are they all on prednisone?
this is even worse than “that bruno mars musical” from episode whatever.
the gay writer and debra messing are like, what the fuck, and so is lurky and anjelica huston’s stupid daughter and like, even one republic is like “um.”
so the point of this was to show gay writer and debra messing a “possible new direction” that “marilyn: the musical!” could go.
and then when it’s over, obviously the gay writer and debra messing are like, i can’t believe you ignored us when we e-mailed you and were working on this drek behind our backs, and katharine mcphee is like “oops, i’m so sorry” and one republic guy literally goes “is something wrong?”
anjelica huston’s daughter got the memo about how everyone on this show needs to discuss things RIGHT NOW, even if it’s the worst possible time. she has to talk to anjelica huston RIGHT NOW and takes her outside and rips her a new one about “doing this to her friends.” and then this happened:
anjelica: “you don’t understand show business.”
daughter: “i grew up in show business and it’s this kind of crap that made me want to flee to micronesia.”
she just literally said “flee to micronesia.”
let that simmer.
anyway, anjelica huston bursts back into the room and apologizes to everyone, and sleazebag is pissed, and lurky literally lurks out of the shadows and is like “everyone calm down” and even one republic guy is like “sorry guys.” and everyone is so apologetic and dumb and i just can’t take it anymore.
the blonde tells katharine mcphee about how she “understands” why katharine mcphee “stabbed” everyone in the back and it’s just more of the same. so much more of the same same same.
and then the clouds parted and something good happened for a second:
the sleazebag and the gay writer FINALLY had it out. and it was GOOD. the lines! they were well-written! and good! i wont spoil it for you, but here’s a spoiler anyway: gay writer is mad because sleazebag and he did a show together once and it bombed and then sleazebag said bad things about gay writer. and sleaze is like “sorry that the new york times reviewer liked my directing, but not your songs” and blah blah and then gay writer is like “that reviewer wasn’t just in your pocket… he was sleeping with your DAD.”
um, say what? the new york times reporter was sleeping with sleazebag’s dad!! he’s basically Christopher plummer in “beginners”!!!
anyway, it was awesome and i loved it and it made me hate this show so much more because that’s what’s so fucking annoying: it has potential to be well-written (that scene was proof) and instead they have jerky lurky popping up out of manholes and anjelica huston’s daughter prancing around MICRONESIA and they dance in a bowling alley.
it’s wasting so much time being bad that it’s not giving itself enough room to be GOOD.
this is how lurky let it be known he no longer works for gay writer and instead works for anjelica huston: he didn’t. he was just sitting at a desk, and gay writer is like “do you work for anjelica huston now?” and lurky is like “yup. it’s been a pleasure working with you.” this show is scraping the absolute bottom of the stupid cliche barrel.
why are they pushing perfect boyfriend’s side story so hard? i don’t even get it.
and now anjelica huston’s daughter furnished the apartment anjelica huston moved into. and now she’s off, into the alaskan night, to fucking count WILD SALMON.
gay writer just dropped the bomb on the blonde about how anjelica huston wants to replace the blonde with a “star.” and now everyone is crying.
where was sutton foster? i was promised sutton foster. oh wait, maybe i promised myself sutton foster.
just when i thought it was over, the blonde is singing to herself in the mirror. because we haven’t had enough of that lately. her voice is sadly cracking while singing that one song from “marilyn: the musical!” and it’s so dumb.
and then sleaze comes over and now they’re going to have makeup sad times sex.
now i have a confession to make: next week’s episode LOOKS SO GOOD (which means, bad). the blonde yells at katharine mcphee, tells her she’s nothing special, and then falls onstage later! probably because she’s on drugs! or exercising too much! and i think the guitar-hero-playing husband finds out about the debra messing/roger guy from “rent” affair! guess every little thing won’t be all right after all!
ugh, i don’t even know if i have the energy to do this this week. god, and now we’re told that this shit has been signed for another season.
let that sink in.
ok, if your eyes are still in your head, and your brain is still functioning after reading that, then let’s begin.
this week: bernadette peters. lord help her.
according to the show description, we’re finally at the fucking workshop. thank god, now they can all stop complaining about how the show is half written.
the show opens with debra messing and that roger guy from “rent” being sluts.
katharine mcphee shows up at the recording studio of whoever, and the guy is a dick and is like “you’re late” and then she sings, and he’s like “stop stop, are you trying to blow up my speakers? try it again” and then she sings, and now he’s doing that thing where he’s really tired and looking down and then she starts singing and he looks up, and starts smiling and nodding his head and blinking and like, duh. it’s like hers is the voice that launched a thousand ships.
so ohmygod i can’t believe what i just witnessed. debra messing and that roger guy from “rent” giggled and flung themselves into a room and started making out and the gay writer bursts in on them and is like “we’ve been looking for you” all disapprovingly and whatever. they walk out and are embarrassed and like “we’ve been caught,” whatev, and then the camera pans back and WHO IS THAT LURKING IN THE SHADOWS? gay writer’s non-gay assistant! he’s literally in the room. lurking. just in the room. he’s just in there. how did he get in there? next they’re going to show lurky mclurkerman above them in the rafters. or like, outside on the ledge, lurking from outside.
so the big issue so far today is that the heat in the building is messed up and everyone is sweating and hot and complaining and it’s just the worst because the investors! the investors are coming to the workshop! how will they ever explain to the investors that the boiler is broken!
and in bursts bernadette peters and she’s the blonde’s MOM. i’m seeing stars. i love her so much, she’s like making me actually like this show a little. just kidding, but i do like her a lot.
so i guess her mom is some big to do because god forbid they have bernadette peters on the show and not make her sing. everyone’s like “do ‘everything’s coming up roses’!!!!” and i’m sitting here on the couch squealing just like all of them because eek! it’s bernadette peters!
and the blonde is all annoyed because her mom is showing her up. omg. she’s doing it!!! augh!!! it’s so good! and the blonde hates it. even katharine mcphee who had to run back to the studio to cut another demo or whatever the fuck she’s doing, stopped and turned around and is now watching. the only one who’s all grumpy face is the blonde. hello, your mom is bernadette peters. be happy for a second. i know you’re addicted to steroids, but get over yourself.
bernadette peters looks great for being 85. i mean, really great. and she’s killing this song, of course, as though it’s like, the last performance on broadway. like, now she’s going to need to be on the prednisone.
holy shit, that roger guys from “rent’s” wife and children just ran into the rehearsal and debra messing ran out all obvious like she’s going to barf. and gay writer is like “oh my god, you did didn’t you. you slept with him.” like, DUH. you just walked in on them making out like teenagers. remember? and lurky was there?
nothing makes me curse out loud at the tv like this show. so debra messing had to go home and barf and pray and do whatever else you do when you’re a mess. so gay writer gets back to the rehearsal and is like, she had to leave. and anjelica huston is like, wtf, and then lurky mclurkerson is like “anjelica huston? i really have to tell you something. this is difficult to say but debra messing is having an affair with that roger guy from ‘rent.’ that’s why she’s been so irrational and crazy.” what in the fuck? really? right now? you had to tell her right now because it has what to do with what??? and thank god for anjelica huston, because she’s like “i’m going to pretend this information wasn’t useful, even though it was, but if i hear you repeating it to anyone, you’re never going to work in this town again!” lurky was like “deurp.”
so debra messing gets home and she hears giggling coming from upstairs, and then catches her dickhead son smoking pot with his buddy. and then he FINALLY tells her that he knows what’s going on with that roger guy from “rent,” but not really. he just says “you suck.” he’s right, debra messing. you do suck.
bernadette peters and the blonde are now watching a marilyn movie because remember? marilyn? monroe? and bernadette peters is like “i know you’re nervous, blah blah” and the blonde is like, it’s not nerves, it’s the prednisone (HA!) and then “they gave me these sleeping pills, but i don’t want to take one thing over the other.” DOT DOT DOT. and then she holds up the bottle of sleeping pills like it’s an infomercial for drug addicts and it’s so OBVIOUS what’s going to happen next. stop being so OBVIOUS.
and then bernadette is like “look at how great marilyn is, i don’t know how you’ll pull that off” and the blonde just takes a sleeping pill. right then. right there. just takes it standing up, with all the lights on.
anjelica huston is at that stupid bar with lurky, and they’re talking about the stupid plumbing in the building (the investors! the building! it’s too hot! this is a major issue!) and the bartender is like, i know a guy, and anjelica huston is like “well get him down here.” how is this even a storyline? really, “smash”? you didn’t have enough going on, so you needed to throw the building’s plumbing into the equation??
now it’s a montage of everyone lying in bed not sleeping because they’re so nervous about the show. even the blonde who took a sleeping pill last night. guess that ambien was actually a crack rock.
and ooh, bobby raskin called katharine mcphee. guess he loved the demo. but oooh, guess what. the only time he can see her is today. doesn’t he know that today is the day of THE WORKSHOP? and the plumbing hasn’t even been fixed?? whatever will katharine mcphee do??
i won’t even recap how anjelica huston broke the lock to the boiler room with a huge wrench. i won’t. i refuse.
debra messing just told that roger guy from “rent” that they can’t see each other anymore, and dickface son knows, and he is like, telling her he loves her, but not with words, with his eyes, and barf.
oh wow. just. ok, get this: they have to run a scene between that roger guy from “rent” and marilyn, only the blonde isn’t there, so the sleazebag director reads for marilyn. and that roger guy from “rent” is just so distraught and the sleazebag director tells debra messing to step in and read the role and I SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING, “SMASH.” and yup, there it is: the lines they are reading are so double entendre to what’s happening in there life. how CLEVER, “smash.” how fucking clever of you. to do something that’s been done 10 scrillion times before.
and anjelica huston is like, observing from the back. and then the building manager bursts in and is like “who’s that in my boiler room! i’m calling the cops!” what? who would say something like that? and then “if someone gets hurt, it’s on your head” and anjelica’s like, nobody’s going to get hurt. and let me guess: the blonde gets hurt because she can’t react in time when the blazing fireball comes out of the heating vents because she’s on so so many drugs.
so many weird things are happening. here’s an example: the blonde asked what gay writer’s problem is with self-hating gay chorus guy. and he goes “i don’t know. he’s too ‘straight.'” and not only is this clearly foreshadowing for when they actually fall in love with each other, but i’m about to turn this shit off. “too straight.” nice.
it turns out he actually thought he was straight. he wasn’t like “he’s so straight-acting for a gay guy” he just literally thought he was straight. which makes it so so much worse. and now look, the switch in gay writer’s head turned on, and he’s like “he’s gay? ooh” and the blonde is like, you’re seeing someone.
anjelica huston and the bartender are basically having sex with their eyes.
bernadette peters just burst in late and sleazebag director announces her to all the investors, and then they clap like lunatics, and the blonde peeks through the curtain and uh-oh, is the overshadowment of her mom going to throw off her performance? is her mom the gateway drug to heroin?
i fucking love megan hilty. thank god the prednisone worked.
so they’re doing the workshop and katharine mcphee is watching from the back (guess she never made it to that appointment?) and flashing back to how she would’ve done the role herself. she’s flashing back to her own daydreams.
ew, there’s the sex couch.
so the blonde keeps doing little tiny messups, and the camera cuts to everyone looking at each other all worried like. and then katharine fucking mcphee falls off her riser and crashes into the drum set and bumps her head.
that roger guy from “rent” won’t let it go and is like “debra messing! we need to deal with this right now.” really, dude? you’re in the middle of a workshop and debra messing’s husband is in the audience. why is it so important to deal with it right this second?
the workshop happened and they did all the numbers and it was actually kinda great, except for one gross moment where it was a dreamland of that roger guy from “rent” singing to only debra messing in the room. you know that scene.
eww. something gross just happened. i just started liking this show kinda.
oh nevermind. i still kinda hate it. whew.
the blonde and bernadette peters are having a showdown. the blonde is finally telling her off for never saying a kind word to her and whatever and then she goes, i shit you not, “and you know who else had a mother like that?…” LET ME GUESSSSSSSSS…
god i love bernadette peters. she put a fucking spell on me and now i don’t hate this show as much today. she’s like “greens greens and nothing but KARYNE LIKE THIS SHOW.” and i’m like, ok.
oh my bad. she just called the blonde a star, and then walked out of the room and then paused and turned back and looked at the blonde, and then continued leaving.
i mean, not a minute goes by in this show that they don’t do that. how does anyone get anywhere on time if they just keep pausing all over the place? stop pausing so much!
so the investors didn’t like it so now they might have to “repackage” the show. and anjelica huston goes “blah blah was there, he represents scarlett johansson, michelle williams, SUTTON FOSTER.” really? they just had to throw sutton foster in it?
ooh, maybe sutton foster will be on the show next week! maybe they’ll replace everyone on this show with bernadette peters and sutton foster! they can just change wigs and hats and be everyone!
here’s the cliffhanger for this week: gay writer and debra messing say that they should replace that roger guy from “rent.” they’re right! replace him with sutton foster!!
debra messing just told her dickhead son that they’re firing that roger guy from “rent,” and the son is like good and then starts crying. god, replace the son, too. sutton foster should be the son.
no scenes from next week. great, now i’ll never know “what to look forward to.”