the one where the world disappoints.

so i have an online tv show at the work, and it’s about tech and it’s silly, about rumors, and it’s with a co-host and it’s kind of a big deal to me. because i work hard on it and it’s scrappy and i’m proud.

on the work’s site itself we get a really good response — i mean, for the most part. people click on the polls and leave little comments and they engage and it’s nice. even if people don’t like that particular rumor or episode or whatever, at least they’re talking. people are watching and caring and it’s cool.

then there’s youtube. [insert knowing groan here.] the video also gets uploaded to the work’s youtube channel and it’s a fucking shit show. people are rude and mean and heartless and anonymous. and ask about my gender and whether i like girls and whether my co-host and i are dating. and they call us stupid and insult us because we’re women or maybe because we’re women in tech? or both. and it’s just heartbreaking.

i come to work and i’m online bullied. i’m 34 and over it and strong and in a relationship and don’t care and it breaks my heart.

and google is making strides to stop stuff like this — it’s encouraging people to use their real names on youtube when leaving comments on posts, which will hopefully discourage people from writing mean shit in the first place. it’s easier to be an anonymous bully than to be a bully with a name next to your rude comment.

i follow a couple gay youtubers who don’t seem to have this problem — they have thousands of followers and likers and commenters and that makes me happy. at least there’s a place for that.

and i know that there are people out there who have my back — not just family or friends, but strangers who, i don’t know, are maybe inspired by the fact that i’m gay and out and obvious and doing something cool and being out there. maybe i’m inspiring one person. i know that’s cheesy.

and on the other hand, i fucking hate it. and it’s just gross. and disappointing. and depressing. and i can’t stop looking at it.


About Cruey

I'm a quadruple black belt in the art of awesomeness. And I like sandwiches.
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