the one where ‘smash’ continues to kill me softly with its song.

i mean, right?

i just found out that they’re shooting some of “smash” outside our new york office. i hope my new york counterparts show katharine mcphee my live blogging! what this show is missing is a cliche critic who hates it! that could be me!

it just took me a minute to find this stupid show on on-demand, and i secretly got scared. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME, “SMASH”?

so right off the bat, everyone is a dick to katharine mcphee because “she’s the one who almost took it out from under our ivy?” “could she be more midwest?” mr. obvious face is obvious. i predict this entire episode is going to be the old “let’s treat the newbie rudely because she’s new. did we mention she’s new? and we hate new?” cliche. and then they’re going to change their minds and take her under their wing.

i love when debra messing plays her character as though she was still in “will and grace.” if this show were called “grace from ‘will and grace’ does ‘smash,'” it would maybe make more sense.

so the blonde just walked in to the first rehearsal, looking all marilyn monroe in sunglasses and a tight sweater (hi, can she ever wear jeans? a hoodie? something?) and sleazy director guy goes “welcome… to marilyn!” and the fucking cast starts spazzing out, clapping as though in the role of marilyn, she is going to cure cancer and feed sick babies and run a marathon and actually fly to the moon on golden wings.

seriously? they are clapping for an eternity, and the director has to actually tell them to calm down, and katharine mcphee is just standing there all sad and meek, but still clapping, because she’s SO NICE, and like, “aww shucks, i feel so down” and this is making me so uncomfortable and vomity. like, even debra messing is clapping and hooting and hollering.

we get it. katharine mcphee knows nobody, barely knows where to put her stuff down, and the blonde knows everyone and is like, the darling of the universe. fine. we understand. and just in case we didn’t understand, as they were gathering around the piano to finally start the fucking rehearsal, the boys physically kind of shove katharine mcphee to the back of the group. like, they not only metaphorically hate her, they literally hate her to her face.

so the blonde was apparently kept in the dark that katharine mcphee was offered a role in the ensemble, and now the blonde is all fucking weird and crazy and like “well, now these are my songs! all mine!” about everything and WHY. WHY DOES SHE CARE? like, hello you’ve been on broadway for 10 years. has this never happened before? like, even in high school? that someone didn’t get the lead and got offered a role in the chorus? why does she care? but oh, does she care. she cares more than ever. just watch how much she cares.

and poor little katharine mcphee is so midwest and gracious and like, happy to be there, and this giant bitch and all her bitchions are treating her like she doesn’t deserve to be there.

um, she was one second away from being marilyn. clearly she deserves to be there more than they do.

this. would. never. happen. in. real. life. this show is trying to kill me.

and obviously this is all foreshadowing for when the tables are turned and katharine mcphee is possibly going to be asked to be marilyn. mark my words.

and then it just doesn’t stop. one reminder after another that she cares so much. “why didn’t anyone tell me?” “a heads up would’ve been nice.” “she’s just being so loud in my ear.”

so the gay writer’s straight assistant (so confused) keeps trying to interject into debra messing’s everything, and now she’s just actually ignoring him. she won’t even make eye contact. don’t you remember from last episode, debra messing? he heard you slept with that roger guy from “rent.” now he’ll blackmail you! be nicer!

anjelica huston has a real degas sketch that she’s thinking of selling to raise funds for the show. just. fucking. wow.

all the ensemble members are calling katharine mcphee “iowa” and now she just got kicked out of the number for being too loud or enthusiastic or some shit. my head is now bleeding profusely because i’ve been beaten over the head so many times by this.

there’s debra messing, being grace again.

oops, katharine mcphee just got kicked out of another number. and then the girl who has been the biggest bitch to her confronted her and katharine went off on her! i’m so shocked! and then, true to “smash” form, at the end of her speech about how “everyone was a beginner once” and “i’m just as good as everyone” and “i could’ve slept with him, too, and i didn’t and wouldn’t,” she tells the girl that the blonde shouldn’t be trying to get her fired. and the ensemble should be trying to help her out because all for one and one for all. and then she storms off to a chair that’s TWO FUCKING FEET AWAY and crosses her arms over her chest and pouts like an infant. you don’t give a speech and then walk two feet away! you LEAVE! LEAVE THE ROOM! of all the cliches in the world that would’ve worked, “smash” blew the most obvious one.

and now the ensemble is on her side and there’s the obviously obvious clothes-buying scene where they teach her to look like one of them. help. me. baby jesus.

hear that sound? that’s the sound of me CALLING IT.

cliche number 239229809843: this guy is in town, whom has been in the business since he was a fetus (“i discovered him” “i directed his first show” “he did my ‘oliver’ when he was 11 and just a teeny tiny jonas baby brother!”) and sleazy director is throwing him a birthday party and everyone is going. the entire cast of “smash” has somehow been connected to this kid’s birthday party.

oh god. it’s the jonas brother. nick? i just remembered the previews from last week.

so now everyone is team iowa, and is doing an “intervention” in her closet and throwing out things that aren’t great and she should never wear again. see what’s happening here?

ok, they’re at the jonas brother’s party, and he’s playing piano and singing. “just haven’t met you yet.” michael buble. at his own party. singing and playing that fucking song. and there’s a drum set. and maybe a cello? saxophone? and everyone is gathered around, smiling and swaying back and forth. what the shit kind of lame ass party is this?

anjelica huston is walking around with the fucking degas, because she apparently thinks she’s going to sell it to the jonas brother. did i mention that everyone is at this party? even the fucking assistant who has it in for debra messing. even he is there. the jonas brother is just sitting all lonely on the staircase. it’s his own show-offy birthday party. he just finished playing piano and singing and then he said “sometimes at parties like this, i feel like i have to be ‘on’.” you just fucking sang michael buble. stop kidding yourself.

iowa’s new bffs just told her that she’s the problem. she signed up for being ivy’s backup dancer. and she’s like “did not” and now they’re going to “show her how it’s done.”

as a shout out to me, they are doing a little dance to adele’s “rumor has it,” showing her how to be in the ensemble and not steal the limelight. why doesn’t she know how to not pull focus? they’re making it seem like she just walked off the street one day and decided to be on broadway. doesn’t understand how an ensemble work. doesn’t know that she needs to take a fucking dance class.

so instead of buying the degas, the jonas brother said that he’ll invest in fucking “marilyn: the musical!” but then he said that he doesn’t even know if the show is good, so guess it was great that EVERYONE from this musical just happens to be at this party so they can do a number and show him how great it is.

they even called that roger guy from “rent.” so he shows up and starts making debra messing all googly eyed and uncomfortable. the blonde? she was already there, wearing a ZAC POSEN dress, telling us that like she’s a fucking name dropper on the red carpet.

so they all do a new number that they’re just learning, and grab a ragtag little group to do all the shimmying and shaking behind her, including debra messing herself and the gay writer guy’s assistant.

i mean, if this doesn’t make the jonas brother want to invest, i don’t know what will. the blonde just pulled him into the song and he miraculously he knows the chord changes! and even the words! he’s like a wizard!

and then, to top everything off, the blonde notices sleaze bag director flirting with some other girl, so she asks the jonas brother to show her the bedrooms. so now statutory rape is about to happen. lovely. i mean, it’s the one topic this show hasn’t barfed on yet, so why not? take the little jonas brother upstairs to make the sleaze ball jealous.

guess who said this: “this show means everything to me. i just want to feel safe.” and then guess who said this: “there’s nothing safe about being a star.”

if you said “everyone. everyone on this whole fucking show said that, or could’ve said that, or who cares if they said that!” then you win! you win the big prize!

great. the new bffs are at a bar, being all bffy and might possibly do a karaoke number and i just can’t take anymore.

omg, it’s not karaoke, but it’s the stupid DANCE THEY LEARNED EARLIER. one of them goes “let’s show them how the chorus does it” or some shit. show WHO? who is THEM? if i were at a bar, and someone got onstage and started doing a DANCE routine, i would leave. i would pay my little bill, tip the waiter, and get the fuck out because NOBODY wants to see this. nobody wants to see assholes onstage dancing when nobody else is dancing.

and then at the end of the little dance, katharine mcphee looks like she’s about to pass out? what is this? does she have something wrong with her? is she sick? oh no, she’s just taking things way down a notch, doing this dreamy version of “rumor has it” that nobody cares about. and it’s kind of a voice over to all the drama that’s happening. all “meanwhile, back at the ranch” and shit. and her little bffs are dancing behind her. guess them showing her how not to call attention to herself didn’t work. at all. you can take the girl out of iowa, but you can’t take the attention-whoring good girl out of the girl.

this show is schizophrenic. on the one hand, it wants to be all serious pants, behind the scenes of “marilyn: the musical!” on its way to broadway. this girl’s a bitch! this girl is new! this lady had an affair! this director is a sleaze! a jonas brother! so much sex and scandal! on the other hand, there’s what this show actually is, which is a cliche, over-the-top campy mess. as i’ve mentioned before, if this show didn’t take itself so seriously, it might be more palatable.

instead it’s schlock that thinks it’s god’s gift to all that is dramatic, and that’s the worst kind of schlock there is. a solid 10 on the schlock scale. just when it starts to be one thing, it shoots its own self in the foot and turns into the worst kind of other.

[read my thoughts on episode 1, episode 2, and episode 3.]