i went to my cousin’s baby shower yesterday. this is the cousin who’s a year younger than me, whom her brothers call booger and whom i affectionately referred to as “baby lauren” when i was little, to differentiate her from the other lauren who didn’t exist.
growing up, it was me and my three cousins (lauren and her two brothers, josh and zach). we were the youngest in the family. so i’m quite close to them. so the fact that baby lauren is having a baby girl of her own is the fucking weirdest shit ever. babies don’t have babies! (she’s 32, so she’s not actually a baby. at all.)
so anyway, i went to the baby shower yesterday. showers are my most hated events. any kind of shower. and it’s all because of the present-opening part. i can stand the games (yesterday, the only game was “match the baby with its famous mother” and then there was another one, but we didn’t play it) and i can stand the mimosa-drinking and the picture taking. but i hate the part where you open presents. because i get it. baby clothes are small and make you say “aw.” why do we have to say aw for 45 minutes? wedding showers are even worse, because at least baby showers have cute things in them. wedding showers are filled with kitchen appliances. (but here’s the thing about this baby shower. it wasn’t bad at all! in fact, it was kind of great! the food was good, there was plenty of alcohol, and it only lasted 2 hours. in and out.)
so then the hairdresser and i decided that when we had a baby… oh wait, first we decided that we’re having a baby in the next couple years… but anyway, after that, we’ll have a shower, but it won’t be called a baby shower, it’ll be called something else, like, “welcome to the next 18 years of your lives!” it’ll be like a bachelor party. and boys are invited, too. and we’ll eat hot wings.